Frustrated

Yeah I just put in my last entry an hour or so ago but I have to say some stuff. I'm worried. James got my mail, coz he put it on his page, but then he didn't reply to me... okay it doesn't mean anything probably, but I would have liked to know what he was thinking just now. I'm kinda scared for him. I only read his page today and I didn't know a lot of the stuff that I read before I read it, so it was a big shock (you'll understand if you read his page) but now I have all this stuff crammed into my head and it's just like, let me out! And I can't talk about it coz it's too wierd, like I'm sitting here with my sister and my friend and I can't talk to them but they are watching me type (they're laughing now) but that's coz they don't know all the history and I CAN'T TELL THEM coz it's too hard for me. I'm in South Africa just now, and James is in Italy, and I won't see him till SATURDAY and that will be three weeks since I last saw him, and okay now you're like "get a grip Lynn" but I don't know how much more I can take. I didn't see him for six weeks last summer except for one night in between holidays and it was the hardest thing I ever did (till now) but now he has this problem and he needs me and more importantly i need him to need me (that sounds gross and egotistic but it makes sense to me). Midget (or my sister laura) just told me to write something about an ocotpus. That made me laugh. I don't know, sometimes you just have to laugh at Midget even if it really isn't funny. Bt this isn't cheering me up. I guess it helps to get all this stuff out, even if nobody reads this just letting it out is good, it's like spring cleaning and one minute your room is full of junk and then its a mess for a few days but after that it's like, "wow, where did all my crap go?" I'm being totally random now but at least I'm not driving myself crazy with all the stuff that was stuck in my head. It doesn't look like I've said very much but I really have. Here's the rest:
I can't tell my parents half of this stuff. Reason #1: as previously mentioned, mum is a bitch. World class. Reason #2: it would scare them, and I'm scared enough for six people. Reason #3: frankly, I can't bring myself to. James thinks I should, but I just can't and he of all people should understand that.
I need to see James. It's so wierd, reading all this stuff that I had no idea was going on coz he couldn't tell me, but I guess I knew it was happening on some level. It's like that. I know so much about him but I still know so little in the scheme of things.
He said Megan could understand more than me. That hurt, not because Megan is like competition or whatever, I'm not jealous or anything coz it's not like she's attracted to James or whatever, but it hurts me so much that I care about him more than anyone else and I can't be the one to understand this best. I think this is the biggest problem of all.
Okay. Spring clean over. For now.