Touch Wood

Okay, find something made of wood. Got something? Good. Touch it... then read on... keep hold of that wooden thing.

I think James is finally getting better! I'm counting... three days of happy James. Please God let it last. Yeah I think I've finally figured out that I believe in God in some form. It's a start. The order is coming back into my life, I think. Mum hasn't found anything incriminating in my room lately (can't remember what there is to find anymore, mind you), I'm not so frustrated, James is getting better (please let that part be true), and I got my English teacher to postpone my formal oral commentary so I'm not stressed either. Looks good to me!

"I believe that reality's gone
Disillusion is real
I believe that morality's gone
And there's nothing to feel
If you take the sacred things
The things that we hold dear
Empty promise is all you'll find
So give me something
Something to believe in

I believe in a changing of the guard
Put our feet on the ground
See it happen in your own backyard
Everything breaks down
Do you accept what you are told
Without even thinking
Throw it all and make your own
And give me something
Something to believe in

Where they lead
You will follow
Well I guess that's just the way it goes
And if you look away
You'll be doing what they say
And if you look alive
You'll be singled out and tried
If you take home anything
Let it be your will to think
The more cynical you become
The better off you'll be

Something to believe in"

-The Offspring, "Something to Believe In"

I've got everything I believe in back again. Please let it stay.

I can't take any more confusion,
Can't stand any more wondering why,
Can't believe in telling only the truth,
Can't keep my head in the sky,
Can't cope much more being frightened,
Can't let my feet leave the ground,
Can't let my conscience lie to me,
Can't have uncertainity around,
Can't live for long like a prisoner,
Can't let myself run too free,
Can't live my life being somebody else,
Can't show these people I'm me,
Can't let my heart be too open,
Can't hide my feelings away,
Can't live only for the future,
Can't live only for the day,
Can't focus on the things that have gone past,
Can't plan the future ahead,
Can't let myself forget I'm alive.
Can't let me remember I almost was dead.

Love the ending of that. But it was almost the truth. A week ago today... It seems too unreal now. It couldn't have happened. And yet... at the time, anything could have happened. I just lost it. It was scary... I just didn't seem to matter to myself anymore. Nothing mattered except what could have happened to James. Maybe it's sad that he rules my life so much. But I let him. He never asked to. It just happened. You can't go through all the things, the scary things, the fun things, the sad things... all the crap we've been through together, in other words, and not be close. He means so much to me.

Last year, around this time, was when I realized I loved James. We went skiing... well I went skiing, he and Alex and Julia went snowboarding... and there was an accident. He was waiting for me on the slope, and a skiier came down the hill way too fast and skied straight into his back. It was funny to see, that sounds terrible but it's the truth. The skier flew over James's head and rolled down the hill, and his skis flew off to either side, and James himself didn't move at all... I skied down and said, "Are you okay?" And he couldn't answer me. He couldn't breathe, or move... I was so scared. I helped him lie down... Then Julia came down the hill. She asked what had happened, and I told her, and looked for the other skier to show her, but he had disappeared. Just like that. Gone. So we put my skis up in a cross to try to attract attention, and Julia went down the hill to get help. She didn't come back. Then Alex showed up, finally, Alex with his supremely fantastic snowboarding skill (that sounds so mean. I hate myself when I say stuff like that. I'm sorry, I don't really mean it.) and then he went off looking for help, and finally someone arrived. We spent ages filling in forms, and then eventually they packed James into one of those little sledge thingies, and took him off down the hill. I had no idea what to do. This guy helped me take all James's snowboarding stuff down the hill and then left me, and I didn't know where to go. So I'm stumbling about carrying a snowboard and skis and poles, wearing two jackets and a backpack, trying to find the emergency place, and I'm crying becuase seeing that sledge go down the hill was the scariest thing I'd ever seen, and I'm asking people where I should go and no one knew. But finally this nice French guy helped me out. I found the emergency room, and I sat there with James for ages before a doctor showed up to help him. He did something to his back, can't remember exactly, but I do remember that it felt sooooo damn fucking good to see him walk out of the examining room. God. And this is relevant... why? Because that's what I felt last Wednesday when he called me and I knew he was alive. That feeling of relief... but it's not exactly relief... it's like thinking you've lost everything, and finding out you haven't. And also, this made me realise how small my feelings were that day in the mountains.

After that... well the rest, as they say, is history. We've gone through so much. Like the Offspring concert, which was one of the most fucking FANTASTIC days of my life. And the first time... well. End that thought there. Good memory, though. And then when we thought I was pregnant, and finding out I wasn't. And when I asked him what would have happened with us if I was, and he said he would have been really happy, and that was when I knew for certain that we were going to be together forever. Even if forever only lasts a lifetime, which doesn't seem enough.

But it's not getting what you want. It's wanting what you have.