Déja vu

When is it ok to give up? I say never. But it's really hard. Ok, maybe not as hard as it was in the beginning, when it was really bad, but still... James went to England this past weekend, and while he was there he met this girl who was depressed. And he found out about a lot of other people he knows who are as well. So then guess what happened. I don't really need to say anymore, do I? ...

So for three or four days there's me in Italy with no way to contact him, and him in the UK feeling awful... He did it again. You know. That. So. This morning I saw him again, he came back pretty late last night, so I went into the bar this morning to see him. He was still a bit wierd. Then he bought cigarettes. I let him. If it helps, I don't want to be the one that made him stop. We talked about it... He asked me how I can love what he's become. I asked him if he'd give up on me if it was the other way around. He said no. But when it's bad he can't understand... I hate that.

It's been on and off all day. In art I was sure everything was cool for a while, he was teaching me what I did wrong in my sketches which was nice, and I was helping him with drawing the mouth on one of his drawings because he doesn't do cartoons as often as me. But then it came back... then it left again. So I don't know. I'm going to try to see him after school now, and see what's up.

I'm writing a new song about it. It's utter shite but it's better than nothing. We'll see where that goes.

It's raining and that's depressing. I'm losing my Maths teacher who everyone hates but is nice to me, and I'm worried about what's going to happen with that next year. I think I'm also losing my ability to think like a child. I've been forced to grow up and it hurts. I just don't want to have to grow up any more yet... no more.

Bye