It's just not enough

Define "relapse."

I think it means a temporary setback, but I don't think James thinks the same. I hope I' m right. At any rate, what it means right at this moment is that James is depressed and I'm trying to hold it together. It's hard. But it's still all right, I guess...

He was bad on Saturday. On the bus going to my house he started to feel depressed and then he couldn't go in. He's never been that bad that I've physically witnessed and it scared me. There's me trying to stop him physically, trying to convince him that cutting himself won't help, actually holding him back, trying to push him away from wherever it is that his mind goes... He's surprisingly strong. It was scary. I felt so helpless... Then it was like he was walling me out, cutting me off from helping him, because I guess he didn't want help at the time. He felt guilty. He kept saying that I deserve better, he's not worthy... stuff like that. I felt like I was losing him. At one point I was sure he was going to end it. But when I said that I felt like he was slipping away he hugged me and it got a bit better. Just as long as I can be there... I can still be happy.

I feel like this politician who's trying to keep everyone happy. I have to accommodate my parents, school, and James, and all I want to do is love him like I do inside but what I can show that isn't limited by the rest of my life isn't enough, and no matter what I do I can't find a balance. It hurts.