Outlet

I'm all bored and stuff

2005-06-16T13:51:00.000+02:00

Things are a bit wierd right now. James is going back to the UK so I'm so happy...... yeah sure. Yeah, it's crap. We'll see. That's it I guess

It's just not enough

2005-04-27T11:34:00.000+02:00

Define "relapse."

I think it means a temporary setback, but I don't think James thinks the same. I hope I' m right. At any rate, what it means right at this moment is that James is depressed and I'm trying to hold it together. It's hard. But it's still all right, I guess...

He was bad on Saturday. On the bus going to my house he started to feel depressed and then he couldn't go in. He's never been that bad that I've physically witnessed and it scared me. There's me trying to stop him physically, trying to convince him that cutting himself won't help, actually holding him back, trying to push him away from wherever it is that his mind goes... He's surprisingly strong. It was scary. I felt so helpless... Then it was like he was walling me out, cutting me off from helping him, because I guess he didn't want help at the time. He felt guilty. He kept saying that I deserve better, he's not worthy... stuff like that. I felt like I was losing him. At one point I was sure he was going to end it. But when I said that I felt like he was slipping away he hugged me and it got a bit better. Just as long as I can be there... I can still be happy.

I feel like this politician who's trying to keep everyone happy. I have to accommodate my parents, school, and James, and all I want to do is love him like I do inside but what I can show that isn't limited by the rest of my life isn't enough, and no matter what I do I can't find a balance. It hurts.

Déja vu

2005-04-19T14:04:00.000+02:00

When is it ok to give up? I say never. But it's really hard. Ok, maybe not as hard as it was in the beginning, when it was really bad, but still... James went to England this past weekend, and while he was there he met this girl who was depressed. And he found out about a lot of other people he knows who are as well. So then guess what happened. I don't really need to say anymore, do I? ...

So for three or four days there's me in Italy with no way to contact him, and him in the UK feeling awful... He did it again. You know. That. So. This morning I saw him again, he came back pretty late last night, so I went into the bar this morning to see him. He was still a bit wierd. Then he bought cigarettes. I let him. If it helps, I don't want to be the one that made him stop. We talked about it... He asked me how I can love what he's become. I asked him if he'd give up on me if it was the other way around. He said no. But when it's bad he can't understand... I hate that.

It's been on and off all day. In art I was sure everything was cool for a while, he was teaching me what I did wrong in my sketches which was nice, and I was helping him with drawing the mouth on one of his drawings because he doesn't do cartoons as often as me. But then it came back... then it left again. So I don't know. I'm going to try to see him after school now, and see what's up.

I'm writing a new song about it. It's utter shite but it's better than nothing. We'll see where that goes.

It's raining and that's depressing. I'm losing my Maths teacher who everyone hates but is nice to me, and I'm worried about what's going to happen with that next year. I think I'm also losing my ability to think like a child. I've been forced to grow up and it hurts. I just don't want to have to grow up any more yet... no more.

Bye

Personality Test

2005-03-23T13:17:00.000+01:00

"It's too bad
But that's me
What goes around
Comes around
You'll see
That I can carry
The burden of pain
Coz it ain't the first time
That a man goes insane
And when I spread my wings
To embrace him for life
I'm suckin' out his love coz
I'm never be
Nobody's wife"

-Anouk, "Nobody's Wife"

I guess that's not the best way to express how I feel just now, but the message is probably that nobody owns me. Screw you, mum

Well, it's been a while, hasn't it?

2005-03-16T12:00:00.000+01:00

Yeah, it's been a while. And now it's really time for another serious spring clean. No it's okay, I'm fine, everything's good. Well mostly. James is doing better, which is GREAT, so I'm cool. But it really has been too long, and I missed you, my unknown friend. If anyone reads this, that is. But whatever. So I'm back to blogging. It's a comfort.

Well. To begin...

God, so much has happened that I dunno where to start. Well... let's try this: James bought me a ring. Really. Diamond and everything, and it's so so unbelievably gorgeous and I was so happy. So I told Louise, dunno if I mentioned her yet. She's my cousin, year younger than me and lives in Scotland, has a two year relationship with this guy Joe. Well. Had. Because I told her and then she told Joe and they had this HUMUNGOUS fight (which wasn't only about my ring, btw) and then she broke up with him. Fun fun fun. So then he got all upset and sent her a text saying did she want to get engaged, so of course she got even more upset because that was about the most insensitive thing he could have said at the time. So now they are going to see how it works with them being just friends, but if it doesn't work out then they just won't see each other any more. Done. So she phoned me and told me all that, and I was really upset because I felt really guilty though she sez it's not my fault. So.

James is, as I said, doing better. He's stopped smoking and he's no longer suicidal. He still gets depressed, which is not fun at all, but it's a lot milder, if I can use that in this context. So we shall see.

Parents going away this weekend, so I'm stuck at home looking after Laura and David. Fun fun FUN. I'd throw a party if David were like 1 year older but he's not so I won't. Don't trust him with big things like that yet. I'd be okay if it were just Laura, because she can keep a secret if I'm nice to her. I'd just give her a Breezer and that would be that. But David................... Well anyway James is going to come over on Saturday and Sunday so that's good.

Running for Stuco president, don't really think I can win. Yeah I'm vice president at the mo, but I'm running against Andrea Bellagarda who has the popular Italian vote so I don't see much way around that. But I'm going to try. This is really stupid, I know, worrying about crap like this that doesn't even matter, but I care too much and I know it. At least I know it, that's a start. So we'll see how this turns out. I know you don't care, stranger, but I do. At least a little.

(Blah blah blah. I do go on, don't I?)

Mum is driving me crazy. Good thing I get some time away from her this weekend or I would just not be able to take it any more. It's just that I have my own ideas and I look after myself more now, and she still wants me to think how she thinks and do what she wants. More later.

All done. Ciao ciao

"I don't think my heart can take much more"

2005-02-08T10:24:00.000+01:00

How is this conducive to a normal life? I never had one, so I don't know. I guess middle school was fairly basic and boring and NORMAL, but then I don't know coz I was the sad kid with no real friends. Before that... I was the wierd Scottish kid in a South England private school run by nuns. Before that... I was the smart kid who had to have extra reading classes because she was TOO GOOD. And before that... I stayed with my gran all the time because my mum and dad both worked, and my little cousin stayed too, and she looked up to me even though I didn't know what the hell was going on, just because I was older than her. Maybe that part's not wierd, but even though she's still a year younger than me, she always had everything first. She had the first boyfriend, the first serious school exams (coz I changed system), the first EVERYTHING THAT I WANTED TO HAVE. When there's always someone with more than you it's kind of irritating. And now... now everything's messed up. I finally got what I wanted. I have a guy who I love more than everything else in the universe put together, and who loves me for who I am, and who wants to be with me forever, and now it's all messed up and neither of us knows why. But I'm here. I'm always here. Because I want to be. There's no off button when you love someone. And there shouldn't be, because I need to be here now. If I wasn't... well it would be so much worse. That much I know. But that doesn't make it any better right now.

“Drop dead, it doesn’t matter,” she said
“It only hurts when I laugh,” she said
“Sometimes it’s never a crime
“To spend the day in bed”
She made certain that the curtains were red
To dream better by the light they would shed
She leaned back, tilted her head
And this is what she said…

“You can’t win; think it over again
“I can’t win; look at the trouble I’m in
“We can’t win and we’re stuck here together
“Yeah, I hope it will last forever.”

“Don’t ever dare to hope,” he said
“So I’m never let down too bad
“I know there’s nowhere to go
“So I’ll just stay here, instead”
He knew better than to pull at a thread
They unravel like the thoughts in his head
He looked out; it filled him with dread
And this is what he said…

“You can’t win; think it over again
“I can’t win; look at the trouble I’m in
“We can’t win and we’re stuck here together
“Yeah, I hope it will last forever.”

With good books and looks on their side
And hearts bursting with national pride
They sang songs and went along for the ride
And the other side complied
They said, "Hey, man, where do you reside?"
"And could it be Mother Superior lied?"
"And is it possible too many have died?"
It’s only natural to reply

“You can’t win; think it over again
“I can’t win; look at the trouble I’m in
“We can’t win and we’re stuck here together
“Yeah, I hope it will last forever.”

-Bad Religion, "Boot Stamping on a Human Face Forever"

Just a Quickie

2005-02-02T13:35:00.000+01:00

"I died in my dreams
What's that supposed to mean?"
- The Rasmus, "Funeral Song"

No really.

Hard Knock Life

2005-01-27T10:30:00.000+01:00

Today Dani read this blog. Well, some of it. I'm just writing because I have five minutes before Physics and I don't know what else to do. Blah. I can't be assed to do anything. I spent about a week doing one maths question and I FINALLY worked it out but it really wasn't worth it for me. Whatever.

Mr.Tonner got that Annie song stuck in my head, you know, the one about it's a hard knock life. It is REALLY REALLY REALLY annoying and it is driving me crazy. Oh and James had to get his three buses to school today so he's not here yet. Joy.

Reading back through mine and James's blogs I realized how lucky we've been. A lot of scary things have happened, and it's affected me a LOT, but in the end it looks like we're going to come out of it all okay. And that's all that matters.

Touch Wood

2005-01-26T11:34:00.000+01:00

Okay, find something made of wood. Got something? Good. Touch it... then read on... keep hold of that wooden thing.

I think James is finally getting better! I'm counting... three days of happy James. Please God let it last. Yeah I think I've finally figured out that I believe in God in some form. It's a start. The order is coming back into my life, I think. Mum hasn't found anything incriminating in my room lately (can't remember what there is to find anymore, mind you), I'm not so frustrated, James is getting better (please let that part be true), and I got my English teacher to postpone my formal oral commentary so I'm not stressed either. Looks good to me!

"I believe that reality's gone
Disillusion is real
I believe that morality's gone
And there's nothing to feel
If you take the sacred things
The things that we hold dear
Empty promise is all you'll find
So give me something
Something to believe in

I believe in a changing of the guard
Put our feet on the ground
See it happen in your own backyard
Everything breaks down
Do you accept what you are told
Without even thinking
Throw it all and make your own
And give me something
Something to believe in

Where they lead
You will follow
Well I guess that's just the way it goes
And if you look away
You'll be doing what they say
And if you look alive
You'll be singled out and tried
If you take home anything
Let it be your will to think
The more cynical you become
The better off you'll be

Something to believe in"

-The Offspring, "Something to Believe In"

I've got everything I believe in back again. Please let it stay.

I can't take any more confusion,
Can't stand any more wondering why,
Can't believe in telling only the truth,
Can't keep my head in the sky,
Can't cope much more being frightened,
Can't let my feet leave the ground,
Can't let my conscience lie to me,
Can't have uncertainity around,
Can't live for long like a prisoner,
Can't let myself run too free,
Can't live my life being somebody else,
Can't show these people I'm me,
Can't let my heart be too open,
Can't hide my feelings away,
Can't live only for the future,
Can't live only for the day,
Can't focus on the things that have gone past,
Can't plan the future ahead,
Can't let myself forget I'm alive.
Can't let me remember I almost was dead.

Love the ending of that. But it was almost the truth. A week ago today... It seems too unreal now. It couldn't have happened. And yet... at the time, anything could have happened. I just lost it. It was scary... I just didn't seem to matter to myself anymore. Nothing mattered except what could have happened to James. Maybe it's sad that he rules my life so much. But I let him. He never asked to. It just happened. You can't go through all the things, the scary things, the fun things, the sad things... all the crap we've been through together, in other words, and not be close. He means so much to me.

Last year, around this time, was when I realized I loved James. We went skiing... well I went skiing, he and Alex and Julia went snowboarding... and there was an accident. He was waiting for me on the slope, and a skiier came down the hill way too fast and skied straight into his back. It was funny to see, that sounds terrible but it's the truth. The skier flew over James's head and rolled down the hill, and his skis flew off to either side, and James himself didn't move at all... I skied down and said, "Are you okay?" And he couldn't answer me. He couldn't breathe, or move... I was so scared. I helped him lie down... Then Julia came down the hill. She asked what had happened, and I told her, and looked for the other skier to show her, but he had disappeared. Just like that. Gone. So we put my skis up in a cross to try to attract attention, and Julia went down the hill to get help. She didn't come back. Then Alex showed up, finally, Alex with his supremely fantastic snowboarding skill (that sounds so mean. I hate myself when I say stuff like that. I'm sorry, I don't really mean it.) and then he went off looking for help, and finally someone arrived. We spent ages filling in forms, and then eventually they packed James into one of those little sledge thingies, and took him off down the hill. I had no idea what to do. This guy helped me take all James's snowboarding stuff down the hill and then left me, and I didn't know where to go. So I'm stumbling about carrying a snowboard and skis and poles, wearing two jackets and a backpack, trying to find the emergency place, and I'm crying becuase seeing that sledge go down the hill was the scariest thing I'd ever seen, and I'm asking people where I should go and no one knew. But finally this nice French guy helped me out. I found the emergency room, and I sat there with James for ages before a doctor showed up to help him. He did something to his back, can't remember exactly, but I do remember that it felt sooooo damn fucking good to see him walk out of the examining room. God. And this is relevant... why? Because that's what I felt last Wednesday when he called me and I knew he was alive. That feeling of relief... but it's not exactly relief... it's like thinking you've lost everything, and finding out you haven't. And also, this made me realise how small my feelings were that day in the mountains.

After that... well the rest, as they say, is history. We've gone through so much. Like the Offspring concert, which was one of the most fucking FANTASTIC days of my life. And the first time... well. End that thought there. Good memory, though. And then when we thought I was pregnant, and finding out I wasn't. And when I asked him what would have happened with us if I was, and he said he would have been really happy, and that was when I knew for certain that we were going to be together forever. Even if forever only lasts a lifetime, which doesn't seem enough.

But it's not getting what you want. It's wanting what you have.

My Final Stand

2005-01-20T09:55:00.000+01:00

Never mind all that crap. It turned out okay in the end. Well. I ended up being really upset, cause I didn't know what was going on, and Brittany asked me what was wrong. I didn't want to say but she kept asking, and eventually I decided that it might be better to tell somebody. So I told her everything. And when I got to the part about how scared I was I actually couldn't bring myself to say it. Then Tina was walking past and she saw me crying and said what was wrong, so I ended up telling her too. Then just when I was feeling well and truly depressed, my phone rang. I have NEVER been happier to hear that sound. It was like, everything I loved, everything I lived for and believed in, had been taken away - and then suddenly given back. It was the biggest relief ever. I never want to have to feel that way again, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Not even someone that I wished was dead. No one should have to feel something like what I felt yesterday. But everythings fine now. I'm not going down that road. But if James doesn't get better soon, and if the worst were to happen, well, I might. Probably would. But as long as I still have him I'm fine. That's what I discovered yesterday.

"No more blame
I am destined to keep you sane
Gotta rescue the flame
Gotta rescue the flame in your heart

No more blood
I will be there for you my love
I will stand by your side
The world has forsaken my guy

Should have seen it would be this way
Should have known from the start what he's up to
When you've loved and you've lost someone
You know what it feels like to lose"

-Adapted from The Rasmus, "Not Like the Other Girls"

This is my final stand.

I don't know what to do

2005-01-19T13:13:00.000+01:00

James still hasn't got to school as far as I know. His phone is off and nobody's answering at his house. And I don't want to write this next part because he's going to read it and then he'll feel worse. But I was wondering just now if I might be getting depressed too. All I can think about is what if he actually

STOP

Okay. It had to be said. And the other thing I have to say is that I've been sitting in study hall for over an hour and a half wondering if it actually helps to cut yourself. And how I could find out. Holding out, I don't really want to, but I wish I could contact him. I need him to tell me that it's okay. Even if it's not. Becuase I can't imagine that it's really okay just now. Where is he? If he's not at home and he's not at school, and I can't make myself believe that he could possibly have spent the whole day with Orbecchi... He said that if it got really bad again he would go somewhere, hospital or something that could prevent him from hurting himself. Maybe he did that. But why wouldn't he tell me? I'm so confused. I'm so scared. I need James.

I love him. And I can't block out the "what if"s.

Getting Scared Now...

2005-01-19T11:44:00.000+01:00

He didn't show up yet. I'm really scared. What if he finally did it?

Little Bit Lost

2005-01-19T09:15:00.000+01:00

Dunno where James is today. He said he would meet me in the bar this morning before school but I waited and he didn't show up. Alex was there though, so it was ok. But I tried to call James on his mobile and it was off, so I tried his home and nobody answered. I guess he went to see Orbecchi but I don't know for sure, so I'm a little worried. It's been bad lately. Whenever something like this happens I don't know what to think, and I get scared that... you know. I don't want to talk about it. Overall I'm okay with it, I've learnt to live with it, but it's hard sometimes. I just try to remember that it is going to get better. SOON. That's what Orbecchi said, and it's his job, after all.
Maybe I should talk to someone. Mrs Townsend knows everything, so maybe her. But I know what she'd say before I even talk about it. She'd tell me there's nothing more I can do, I just need to live with it and hold it together, and things will get better soon. I know all that already. But it's still hard at times like this.
The biggest thing that helps, though, is the way it can all be so great a lot of the time, even with all the shit that's been going on. Like last night, James came over and we watched Kill Bill 1, which was really great because I really liked the movie (gross though) and James was acting just the way he did when I first started dating him. That's how I know it's going to be all right. Because sometimes it really is great.
In a month or so this should stop being so difficult. It's going to get better any day now, according to Orbecchi and his little letter to the school or whatever (it feels wierd talking about the guy so much, I've never even met him!), but it'll take a while to start feeling normal again. But it will, that much I know for a fact. James knows it too, somewhere, but he just finds it hard to believe at the moment. Because it's still so bad for him sometimes. But soon now it'll get better.

"...Oh, lost and by the wind grieved ghost
Please come back to me again
Because the way that she bleeds
Is in the law that he reads
Confusing words and deeds
So what does it mean…"
-Bad Religion, "The Quickening"

That's how I feel right now. Lost. And it seems like James is lost, too, but more. Much more. So I need him to come back to me, because I need him right now. I need to remember that he's going to be okay.

It snowed, by the way.

Looking out for me

2005-01-13T09:22:00.000+01:00

James has to go see his psychiatrist again. He's there right now, actually. And then he's coming back into school but I don't know exactly when. And I have an extra free period since my Maths teacher is out sick and I don't have a sub, so I have plenty of time to think now. I guess in one way I'm happy, because it means he's getting the attention he needs, but it scares me. A lot, really. But it's a good thing in the end.
It's just like what I said before, I'm scared mostly because I can't guess how this is going to turn out. It would be better even if I knew the worst was going to happen, because at least I could try to prepare myself for it a bit. But right now I just have to hope for the best, and go through every day blind to what might happen later on.
I told a couple more people that I was scared. They don't exactly know everything, but they know I'm a little freaked out right now and they know it's to do with James. Dani said I should try to be happy and just think how it was going to turn out for the best, but I don't know. She doesn't know all the stuff... well. Brittany tried to make me laugh by pinching my cheeks, which I HATE, but it's nice to know people care... That's what'll keep me going. I mean, if the worst did happen, I don't know what I'd do, but I have people to support me who at least try to understand until (if) it does. I don't think it will. I think it's good that James has people looking out for him, too, and that will make the difference. But it's good that people are looking out for me, too, till we sort all this crap out. I just hope that they will all understand that this is changing me, and that they will let me figure out who I'm going to be afterwards.
Spring cleaning goes faster if there's someone to help you with the clearing out stages, but if they try to put your room back together you're going to have to start over.

Philosophy

2005-01-12T12:07:00.000+01:00

Okay, this is wierd. I am actually going INSANE... Okay maybe not but it feels like I am. I just don't know what is going on... James got worse again. NOT GOOD. I don't know how much more of this I can take... Well, I'm going to take however much there is, I just mean I don't know how much more can happen without me ending up the same way. And right now that's probably the worst thing that could happen because he's not feeling exactly great either... so I have to keep it together for both of us and I don't know how much more of that I can do. Maybe we both just have to be a little out of it for a while.
It's wierd at home too. I told my parents that I might not want to be a Catholic. They took it kind of well, which threw me off a bit. I never know what they are going to say when I tell them stuff. It's worse than knowing they're going to kill me. At least if I know they're going to kill me I know what's going to happen. But if I don't know what the outcome will be how can I ever feel comfortable with telling them stuff? I just don't know.
I wish that things could just be how they were six months ago. It was bad then too, but a different way. We thought that I might be pregnant... turned out I wasn't but we had a real scare. Then my parents practically disowned me for a while. Funny how when people are trying to be nice to you, you just want them to go away, and then when they aren't talking to you, you need them around all the time. But at least I had James then, and I always knew exactly what was going on. Now I just don't know. And not knowing is definitely worse than knowing the worst is going to happen.

Frustrated

2005-01-05T08:10:00.000+01:00

Yeah I just put in my last entry an hour or so ago but I have to say some stuff. I'm worried. James got my mail, coz he put it on his page, but then he didn't reply to me... okay it doesn't mean anything probably, but I would have liked to know what he was thinking just now. I'm kinda scared for him. I only read his page today and I didn't know a lot of the stuff that I read before I read it, so it was a big shock (you'll understand if you read his page) but now I have all this stuff crammed into my head and it's just like, let me out! And I can't talk about it coz it's too wierd, like I'm sitting here with my sister and my friend and I can't talk to them but they are watching me type (they're laughing now) but that's coz they don't know all the history and I CAN'T TELL THEM coz it's too hard for me. I'm in South Africa just now, and James is in Italy, and I won't see him till SATURDAY and that will be three weeks since I last saw him, and okay now you're like "get a grip Lynn" but I don't know how much more I can take. I didn't see him for six weeks last summer except for one night in between holidays and it was the hardest thing I ever did (till now) but now he has this problem and he needs me and more importantly i need him to need me (that sounds gross and egotistic but it makes sense to me). Midget (or my sister laura) just told me to write something about an ocotpus. That made me laugh. I don't know, sometimes you just have to laugh at Midget even if it really isn't funny. Bt this isn't cheering me up. I guess it helps to get all this stuff out, even if nobody reads this just letting it out is good, it's like spring cleaning and one minute your room is full of junk and then its a mess for a few days but after that it's like, "wow, where did all my crap go?" I'm being totally random now but at least I'm not driving myself crazy with all the stuff that was stuck in my head. It doesn't look like I've said very much but I really have. Here's the rest:
I can't tell my parents half of this stuff. Reason #1: as previously mentioned, mum is a bitch. World class. Reason #2: it would scare them, and I'm scared enough for six people. Reason #3: frankly, I can't bring myself to. James thinks I should, but I just can't and he of all people should understand that.
I need to see James. It's so wierd, reading all this stuff that I had no idea was going on coz he couldn't tell me, but I guess I knew it was happening on some level. It's like that. I know so much about him but I still know so little in the scheme of things.
He said Megan could understand more than me. That hurt, not because Megan is like competition or whatever, I'm not jealous or anything coz it's not like she's attracted to James or whatever, but it hurts me so much that I care about him more than anyone else and I can't be the one to understand this best. I think this is the biggest problem of all.
Okay. Spring clean over. For now.

Intro

2005-01-05T07:26:00.000+01:00

I guess this is just to say exactly what this page is for. It is, as the title suggests, an outlet for me, and as the address suggests, a place where i can be myself. For once. Okay, this page is directly linked to James's page (http://thisurlbelongstome.blogspot.com/) so if you rly want to understand everything here you should read that 2. The first thing i will say is that i am a very confused person. I have no idea what is going on just now, but it is pretty fucked up. James is my boyfriend, and i hope that one day he will be a lot more than that, but (if you don't wanna take the time to read his page then here is a brief overview:) James is depressed. Seriously so. and it is gonna take a while for things to be normal with us again. I don't mean that my feelings for him have changed, because if anything I love him more than ever, if that was ever possible (sry ppl, this rly isn't a love story). But people will look at us differently. My parents are the world's biggest assholes. My mum is the worst. She keeps asking me if I know what I'm taking on with James. I know EXACTLY what I'm taking on. I'm taking on the person that I care for more than the rest of everything put together, but right now he seems to have forgotten that. James, if you read this I hope it sinks in once and for all: I love you, and nothing will ever change that. Everyone else, take note: I love a crazy guy. (Sorry James, but you keep saying it so i guess i gotta accept it.) So this is my outlet for all that wierd stuff that i now have to cope with. Right now... I'm upset. Mainly because James seems to have lost faith in me, and thinks I would leave him because of what he has become. I WON'T. Secondly because he has lost faith in himself, and what he is able to become. I WON'T. I'm here, supporting, even if I'm not with him all the time. Because I have to be. But I can't help but think I need some support too. I'm not crazy. I'm not depressed. I don't want to kill myself or do drugs or drop out of school and become a bum on the street, coz none of that would help. But I need to be believed in by the one person that I believe in. Is that so wrong?